A lesson from an unlikely source.
I recently encountered some advice for parents, first through emails from friends (who, incidentally, are gay but do not consider themselves Christians...they send me stuff like this to mess with me), and second through my regular perusing of blogs and the internet. The first is a bit of advice James Dobson included in one of his newsletters (he quotes approvingly a Dr. Nicolosi), and the second is a list of how to know if your child is becoming gay (also from Dr. Nicolosi):
First:
Meanwhile, the boy's father has to do his part. He needs to mirror and affirm his son's maleness. He can play rough-and-tumble games with his son, in ways that are decidedly different from the games he would play with a little girl. He can help his son learn to throw and catch a ball. He can teach him to pound a square wooden peg into a square hole in a pegboard. He can even take his son with him into the shower, where the boy cannot help but notice that Dad has a penis, just like his, only bigger.
And Second:
Is My Child Becoming Homosexual?
Before puberty, children aren’t normally heterosexual or homosexual. They’re definitely gender conscious. But young children are not sexual beings yet — unless something sexual in nature has interrupted their developmental phases.
Still, it’s not uncommon for children to experience gender confusion during the elementary school years. Dr. Joseph Nicolosi reports, “In one study of 60 effeminate boys ages 4 to 11, 98 percent of them engaged in cross-dressing, and 83 percent said they wished they had been born a girl.”
Evidences of gender confusion or doubt in boys ages 5 to 11 may include:
1. A strong feeling that they are “different” from other boys.
2. A tendency to cry easily, be less athletic, and dislike the roughhousing that other boys enjoy.
3. A persistent preference to play female roles in make-believe play.
4. A strong preference to spend time in the company of girls and participate in their games and other pastimes.
5. A susceptibility to be bullied by other boys, who may tease them unmercifully and call them “queer,” “fag” and “gay.”
6. A tendency to walk, talk, dress and even “think” effeminately.
7. A repeatedly stated desire to be — or insistence that he is — a girl.
If your child is experiencing several signs of gender confusion, professional help is available. It’s best to seek that help before your child reaches puberty.
“By the time the adolescent hormones kick in during early adolescence, a full-blown gender identity crisis threatens to overwhelm the teenager,” warns psychologist Dr. James Dobson. To compound the problem, many of these teens experience “great waves of guilt accompanied by secret fears of divine retribution.”
If your child has already reached puberty, change is difficult, but it’s not too late.
[Disclaimer: As my friends and loved ones know, I tend to have a bit of a temper, and statements like these make me boil inside (I can feel my pulse beating in my temple and and have difficulty seeing). So, knowing myself and my temper, I decided to wait overnight before writing about these two statements. I tell you about my anger only in the interest of full disclosure.]
We should learn from the above statements the danger of reductionist thinking. It is easy to reduce gay men to products of a bad home. It is very simple to state that a distant father and an overbearing mother cause boys to become gay and that hatred of men causes women to choose to be lesbians. It sounds good and is easy to package and mass produce. But simplicity does not make it right.
To speak biographically for a moment, there are ways in which I line up with the above descriptions and ways in which I don't. For, example, I started playing baseball and football when I was 5, and I wasn't too bad at it. I played catch with my father and brother, and my dad coached my football and baseball teams. My dad taught me how to tackle, and I wrestled and 'played rough' with him and my brother on a regular basis. I fought with my brother physically, and played with male friends and male cousins all the time. My mother was never overbearing, protective, or overly emotional and, though my father was somewhat emotionally withdrawn, he was at every game, spelling bee, event, graduation, concert, etc. I was never bullied, though my brother did occassionally call me a 'fag' when we were younger, before he knew that I'm gay (um, but when he did call me that, I beat the crap out of him and scoled him).
To give Nicolosi some credit: I probably cried more than most boys, and I did always feel different. And, I will add that most of my close friends are women and that I find it more difficult to make friends with men (though I should note that this is a post-adolescent development that is probably due more to personal idiosyncrasies, insecurities, and shyness than to my homosexuality).
But: I have a siblings. My sister, who was raised in the same family as I was, is shy, has a lot of male friends, and is a very talented and accomplished athlete. Mysteriously, she's straight. I also have a brother, who had the same father and mother as I had. Straight as an arrow. Oh, and I have NEVER wanted to be a girl. No offense ladies, I just like being a guy.
My point is simply this: to think that you can reduce homosexuality to a mental disorder with known causal factors is to fallaciously reduce it to something it is not. Nicolosi and Dobson are patently incorrect. Further, their reductionist explanations unnecessarily blame parents of gay children (who very often are already hurting and may blame themselves), and unnecessarily cause 'gay panic' in parents of young children (perhaps we could consider the case of a Florida man who slapped his son around so much -- in an attempt to toughen him up -- that the child slipped into a coma and died). And I'm trying to hold my tongue here, but to blame a bullied child for the taunts and jeers of bullies, especially when the ammunition for the bullies so often comes from their religious parents, is unconscionable.
Sexuality cannot be reduced to a bunch of environmental factors. Neither can it be reduced to a gene. In this arena, as in most arenas involving human beings, Occam's razor is, frankly, hogwash. When it comes to humans, the simplest explanation is almost never the correct explanation.
Dobson and Nicolosi want to reduce gay men and lesbians to a sum of factors, the product of a particular environment. They dehumanize by reducing. Very often, I do the same thing. But we should learn from Dobson, et al., not to reduce those who disagree with us to something less than human. People are not just Fundamentalists or Liberals or Conservatives or Fascists or Idiots or Bigots or Academics. Those who want to see lesbians and gays attain full inclusion should not reduce and demean the 'opposition' by calling them names or dismissing them as backwards. We shouldn't pretend to know what makes them who they are, and we shouldn't pretend to know their motivations. Our conclusions will invariably be incorrect. Reducing humans to factors or opinions or background or viewing them as nothing more than the sum of their constitutive parts is the wrong way to have a conversation. Not only do you usually end up with the wrong answer, but you forget that you are supposed to love and care for those with whom you disagree.
We can do better, and we should do better.
First:
Meanwhile, the boy's father has to do his part. He needs to mirror and affirm his son's maleness. He can play rough-and-tumble games with his son, in ways that are decidedly different from the games he would play with a little girl. He can help his son learn to throw and catch a ball. He can teach him to pound a square wooden peg into a square hole in a pegboard. He can even take his son with him into the shower, where the boy cannot help but notice that Dad has a penis, just like his, only bigger.
And Second:
Is My Child Becoming Homosexual?
Before puberty, children aren’t normally heterosexual or homosexual. They’re definitely gender conscious. But young children are not sexual beings yet — unless something sexual in nature has interrupted their developmental phases.
Still, it’s not uncommon for children to experience gender confusion during the elementary school years. Dr. Joseph Nicolosi reports, “In one study of 60 effeminate boys ages 4 to 11, 98 percent of them engaged in cross-dressing, and 83 percent said they wished they had been born a girl.”
Evidences of gender confusion or doubt in boys ages 5 to 11 may include:
1. A strong feeling that they are “different” from other boys.
2. A tendency to cry easily, be less athletic, and dislike the roughhousing that other boys enjoy.
3. A persistent preference to play female roles in make-believe play.
4. A strong preference to spend time in the company of girls and participate in their games and other pastimes.
5. A susceptibility to be bullied by other boys, who may tease them unmercifully and call them “queer,” “fag” and “gay.”
6. A tendency to walk, talk, dress and even “think” effeminately.
7. A repeatedly stated desire to be — or insistence that he is — a girl.
If your child is experiencing several signs of gender confusion, professional help is available. It’s best to seek that help before your child reaches puberty.
“By the time the adolescent hormones kick in during early adolescence, a full-blown gender identity crisis threatens to overwhelm the teenager,” warns psychologist Dr. James Dobson. To compound the problem, many of these teens experience “great waves of guilt accompanied by secret fears of divine retribution.”
If your child has already reached puberty, change is difficult, but it’s not too late.
[Disclaimer: As my friends and loved ones know, I tend to have a bit of a temper, and statements like these make me boil inside (I can feel my pulse beating in my temple and and have difficulty seeing). So, knowing myself and my temper, I decided to wait overnight before writing about these two statements. I tell you about my anger only in the interest of full disclosure.]
We should learn from the above statements the danger of reductionist thinking. It is easy to reduce gay men to products of a bad home. It is very simple to state that a distant father and an overbearing mother cause boys to become gay and that hatred of men causes women to choose to be lesbians. It sounds good and is easy to package and mass produce. But simplicity does not make it right.
To speak biographically for a moment, there are ways in which I line up with the above descriptions and ways in which I don't. For, example, I started playing baseball and football when I was 5, and I wasn't too bad at it. I played catch with my father and brother, and my dad coached my football and baseball teams. My dad taught me how to tackle, and I wrestled and 'played rough' with him and my brother on a regular basis. I fought with my brother physically, and played with male friends and male cousins all the time. My mother was never overbearing, protective, or overly emotional and, though my father was somewhat emotionally withdrawn, he was at every game, spelling bee, event, graduation, concert, etc. I was never bullied, though my brother did occassionally call me a 'fag' when we were younger, before he knew that I'm gay (um, but when he did call me that, I beat the crap out of him and scoled him).
To give Nicolosi some credit: I probably cried more than most boys, and I did always feel different. And, I will add that most of my close friends are women and that I find it more difficult to make friends with men (though I should note that this is a post-adolescent development that is probably due more to personal idiosyncrasies, insecurities, and shyness than to my homosexuality).
But: I have a siblings. My sister, who was raised in the same family as I was, is shy, has a lot of male friends, and is a very talented and accomplished athlete. Mysteriously, she's straight. I also have a brother, who had the same father and mother as I had. Straight as an arrow. Oh, and I have NEVER wanted to be a girl. No offense ladies, I just like being a guy.
My point is simply this: to think that you can reduce homosexuality to a mental disorder with known causal factors is to fallaciously reduce it to something it is not. Nicolosi and Dobson are patently incorrect. Further, their reductionist explanations unnecessarily blame parents of gay children (who very often are already hurting and may blame themselves), and unnecessarily cause 'gay panic' in parents of young children (perhaps we could consider the case of a Florida man who slapped his son around so much -- in an attempt to toughen him up -- that the child slipped into a coma and died). And I'm trying to hold my tongue here, but to blame a bullied child for the taunts and jeers of bullies, especially when the ammunition for the bullies so often comes from their religious parents, is unconscionable.
Sexuality cannot be reduced to a bunch of environmental factors. Neither can it be reduced to a gene. In this arena, as in most arenas involving human beings, Occam's razor is, frankly, hogwash. When it comes to humans, the simplest explanation is almost never the correct explanation.
Dobson and Nicolosi want to reduce gay men and lesbians to a sum of factors, the product of a particular environment. They dehumanize by reducing. Very often, I do the same thing. But we should learn from Dobson, et al., not to reduce those who disagree with us to something less than human. People are not just Fundamentalists or Liberals or Conservatives or Fascists or Idiots or Bigots or Academics. Those who want to see lesbians and gays attain full inclusion should not reduce and demean the 'opposition' by calling them names or dismissing them as backwards. We shouldn't pretend to know what makes them who they are, and we shouldn't pretend to know their motivations. Our conclusions will invariably be incorrect. Reducing humans to factors or opinions or background or viewing them as nothing more than the sum of their constitutive parts is the wrong way to have a conversation. Not only do you usually end up with the wrong answer, but you forget that you are supposed to love and care for those with whom you disagree.
We can do better, and we should do better.
posted by GR at 8/16/2005 10:22:00 AM
4 Comments:
GR-
Well stated. I pray that I will have the humility to see even those with whom I disagree as whole individuals who are irreducibly more complex than I like to let on. Thank you for your humble and wise words. shalom!
GR-
Thank you for so eloquently putting these thoughts in to words. As one with a conservative fundamentalist background who has grown into a more liberal inclusionist, I think that it is paramount not to forget where we used to be, where some of our families and friends still are, and truly love them just as we have always wanted to be loved. When we get caught up in our "cause" and this forgetting occurs, we will find ourselves to be no better, really, than when we started. No real "progress" having been made.
In an in-house training I had to attend for work on cultural competency, I was reminded to never assume anything about a person. But, instead, to always ask questions with a spirit of genuineness to better understand where the person is coming from and why. This, to me, is key in this discussion. Especially the part about asking in order to really understand. This means that I should not get defensive when the person does not agree with me. I should not come to the table assuming that I know why she is saying what she is saying. I cannot have my response formulated before hand, but I have to honestly listen and try to put myself in her shoes.
In the end, I may still not agree, but-hopefully, that person will have sensed my desire to respect him and understand his position. This goes a long way to building bridges between disagreeing camps.
By the way- I am impressed with the speed of the last few posts. Keep up the good work.
Good post. I agree that whatever the cause, if there is a cause, is FAR from simple. Thanks for calling both sides of the debate to accountability.
GR, you are a good example for me. My first thought upon reading this stuff from Dobson and Nicolosi was to call them some names! Thanks for reminding me to be humble and charitable.
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