Powerlessness

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol -- that our lives had become unmanageable."

The first step of the Alcoholics Anonymous program can be daunting. Though it can be easy to recognize the unmanageability of one's life, admitting powerlessness is another story. I, like many, have spent an incredible amount of energy trying to attain more and more, not less and less, control over my life. And even as I was creating havoc in my own life, I took pride in being self-sufficient.

I am learning, though, that I am not self-sufficient, and never have been. My powerlessness over alcohol manifested itself in various ways: passing out in bars, sleeping with a bottle of bourbon next to my bed, as well as physical symptoms (shakes) and emotional symptoms (severe anxiety) when I needed liquor. Powerlessness over alcohol means that once I pick up the first drink, I have no power over what happens next.

Powerlessness over other parts of my life shows up as fear, anger, resentment, and unfulfilled expectations.

Powerlessness sounds depressing. The liberal in me wants to give power to people, not to tell them they don't have it. The American in me wants to bootstrap it. Admitting powerlessness goes against my nature. It seems unfair and frustrating.

But then came the good news: by honestly admitting - without reservation, aside or asterisk - that I am powerless over my addiction, I open myself up to a power greater than myself. And not just to knowledge of a Power greater than myself. Instead, I open myself up to a genuine relationship with and reliance upon that Power.

Time will tell, but I think this may be the greatest spiritual awakening I have yet attained: there is a God, I am not it, and I try to rely upon that God as the primary source of power in my life. This is also the daily struggle. Recognizing powerlessness and relying on something outside of oneself is not easy, and it doesn't come naturally.

They say it gets easier. One day at a time.