Prayers I Pray

A prayer I say every day:

God, I offer myself to thee, to build with me and to do with me as thou wilt.  Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do thy will.  Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of thy power, thy love, and thy way of life.  May I do thy will always.

This is the third step prayer from Alcoholics Anonymous (the book from which AA gets its name).  The third step prayer is fundamental:  we must offer our will and our lives to God if we are to recover.  But, like most principles and prayers in the AA program, this one has a deeper resonance, particularly for a Christian.  If I call myself a believer, if I say that I am a follower of Christ, my life is no longer my own. 

I am struggling to discover what life looks like when it is offered to God.  I'll never be a monk, and will probably never be a member of the clergy (though time will tell).  And even if I do commit my vocation to God, that is different than turning my life over.  How does a life lived on God's terms look from day to day?

My first inclination is to lean toward the don'ts:  don't drink, don't gossip, don't lie, cheat or steal.  That is perhaps part of it, but it can't be all.  A life turned over to God must surely be characterized by positive action and virtue, and not just by refraining from vice.

The prayer itself is instructive.  We pray for relief from self-bondage for a purpose, that when our difficulties are overcome, we can help others and show them a life lived in God's will.  Freedom from bondage so that we may free others from bondage.  Not a bad way to spend a day.

Powerlessness

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol -- that our lives had become unmanageable."

The first step of the Alcoholics Anonymous program can be daunting. Though it can be easy to recognize the unmanageability of one's life, admitting powerlessness is another story. I, like many, have spent an incredible amount of energy trying to attain more and more, not less and less, control over my life. And even as I was creating havoc in my own life, I took pride in being self-sufficient.

I am learning, though, that I am not self-sufficient, and never have been. My powerlessness over alcohol manifested itself in various ways: passing out in bars, sleeping with a bottle of bourbon next to my bed, as well as physical symptoms (shakes) and emotional symptoms (severe anxiety) when I needed liquor. Powerlessness over alcohol means that once I pick up the first drink, I have no power over what happens next.

Powerlessness over other parts of my life shows up as fear, anger, resentment, and unfulfilled expectations.

Powerlessness sounds depressing. The liberal in me wants to give power to people, not to tell them they don't have it. The American in me wants to bootstrap it. Admitting powerlessness goes against my nature. It seems unfair and frustrating.

But then came the good news: by honestly admitting - without reservation, aside or asterisk - that I am powerless over my addiction, I open myself up to a power greater than myself. And not just to knowledge of a Power greater than myself. Instead, I open myself up to a genuine relationship with and reliance upon that Power.

Time will tell, but I think this may be the greatest spiritual awakening I have yet attained: there is a God, I am not it, and I try to rely upon that God as the primary source of power in my life. This is also the daily struggle. Recognizing powerlessness and relying on something outside of oneself is not easy, and it doesn't come naturally.

They say it gets easier. One day at a time.

2006-2009 in a Nutshell

So, it's been a while since I've posted on this blog.  More than three years, actually.  So what's happened?  In the fall of 2006, I was confirmed in The Episcopal Church, and began to take off the armor I wore to worship every Sunday.  Since that time I have been more and more actively involved, and now attend Church of the Incarnation, an Episcopal parish in Dallas.

In addition to my struggles in and with the Church of Christ, I developed a nice little case of alcoholism.  Not "eh, I probably drink too much" alcoholism.  More like "why am I waking up in an alley?" alcoholism.  From 2004 to 2008 my drinks grew deeper and longer, until life was one big bender.  I dropped out of graduate school, isolated myself, and pretty much fell off the face of the earth.  In the summer of 2008 I began to wake up again (in my bed this time), and since November 25, 2008, with the help of God and Alcoholics Anonymous, I've been sober.

Becoming an Episcopalian helped restore my Christian faith.  Admitting I was powerless over alcohol helped restore my contact with God.

What now?  Who knows.  But as they say in The Program:  one day at a time.

Hmm...

Thinking of a return to the blog world. Not sure yet.